watership down and forward

I wrote this sometime last year and it's still very true though I didn't want to post it at the time. As I don't know if people still read this I'm just going to go ahead and post it. I'm in a very happy place at the moment.

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I guess I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, mostly prompted by an existential breakdown that occurred around the end of last term and literally immobilized me in my room for about a week and a half. I do like to act like I'm very into things but sometimes life seems so boring in sequence and too absurd in principle. It's mostly consciousness that I'm bothered with, and then of course the way that nothing makes sense. And in that vein I've sort of come across nondualist and buddhist thought, and while the Eastern thinkers don't really have an answer to the 'why', I do think they somewhat outline the right questions, or at least makes me feel as if I'm not struggling alone.

But the thing is, having been raised by a mother who is strictly atheistic, I've developed this slight prejudice against religion - not to say this has changed since becoming more spiritually in search, I still don't like when people blindly believe something because they happened to be raised with it. I think everyone should come to their own conclusions by studying every possibility, which is what I've been doing for several years.

And I guess the conclusion I've come to is that one is forced to admit every true religious experience is similar in nature and thus whether one reaches it through prayer or meditation or whether you call it God or the fourth dimension or Allah, it's basically the same thing. Religion is simply different interpretations of the same phenomenon.

Even Aquinas's descriptions of 'God', despite being one of the most renowned Catholic philosophers, ring eerily similar to the 'self-realized' Ramana Maharshi's descriptions of the 'Self', which again is extremely similar to the science of the fourth and higher dimensions that Ommar is so excited about. And while I admit I do have a problem with the direct application of some of these 'interpretations' (religious extremism, or any religious text being taken as fact etc.) I can't say I don't understand the need for them.

I don't know, I suppose all of this is really obvious and I have always felt it, but not really applied it in my own spiritual life. I've been doing a lot of nondualist meditation, which is less 'meditation' in the classical sense of the word and more an exploration of the last layer of consciousness. I don't really know what I think this will do. All I want it to do is make me feel more at peace with the world, because at the moment, and for some time, I've been feeling very anxious at the mere idea of 'existing'. Just thinking about the scope of existence, or attempting to comprehend absolutely anything, makes me shudder and feel panicked.

I just don't want to give into the full conclusions of existentialism just yet. That's probably the real issue. Obviously life is meaningless and it's up to us to give it meaning, but how? Maybe it is just by applying yourself to the task of getting through the day.

I realize I sound a bit crazy for admitting to being crippled with an inexplicable fear of the absurdity of consciousness, or at very least a little pretentious (ha). But I don't care anymore. They're just things that have been on my mind, and that's what a livejournal is for.

guessing that Karma's caught up to me in the most shallow way possible, but I'm doing what I can to make things right. I've never been so cringing, and as scared of boredom as I am scared of attraction. I hate being ambiguous because I'd tell anything of myself to anyone who showed the slightest interest, I'm not so secretive by nature, but I just can't today. I hate feeling such a wrenching. Also, I'm lying. I'm more scared of boredom.


It was nice signing on this for the first time in a very long time. I don't remember what my last entry was. I really don't even want to check because I continually hate who I used to be, even by the day.


I'm not in a happy mood though I usually try to be, and things are going well I think. I can't be sure but I do think they are. I don't want to go into the good details because there are so many and then I'm just another over privileged idiot at a club or house party, talking shit about literature in my riding boots. And London is full of those.

I am grateful for the settling and comfort of second year.

I watch fireworks off my balcony at night.

I don't much care if this makes sense because no one reads this anymore. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest, but the weight has only gotten heavier because I'm speaking in circles around the point.

I'm not actually that upset. Just, like I said, scared.

I don't know if I have many skills but I can definitely roll perfect cigarettes time after time! I'm not a heavy smoker at all but when I do smoke it really adds to the sense of pleasure to have made it so well myself!
(p.s. I figure it's not really bragging if nobody cares? ha)


We decided to forgo France to spend more time in Spain and Morocco, and are going to take a two day trek through the Sahara on camel back with a nomadic tribe, which sounds really lovely. Not to mention we'll be in Pamplona for the running of the bulls! But what I actually can't wait for, as exciting as most of what we're doing is, is renting a boat off the coast of Barcelona and just being for a while, or hiking to the top of an Andalusian mountain and again, just sort of having a quiet moment. I've been in the big city too long and I'm really starting to pine for nature (pun intended)

The only problem with my summer is the amount of travel, seriously: in three weeks I fly back to San Antonio, stay there for about two weeks while I entertain my friends from London, then fly back to London, stay there for one night to help arrange the apartment, and then fly to Barcelona the next day. After that it's all (first class) train rides which I actually sort of enjoy, or at least you're given wine.

Obviously none of these activities will aid in a career, but to be honest I've done something that I could put on a resume every summer for a while now, and I'm looking forward to just being able to have some fun. I think it's about time I'm allowed to pause worrying about prestige or applications of any sort and just enjoy being young and free with the person I love most!!!

My classes next year are pretty exciting though a ridiculous amount of work (and that's my fault for being so obsessed with going to a reputable school) - Literature and Psychoanalysis and Creative Writing: The Novel are the highlights in terms of my interest but also come with considerably long end-of-year essays.



That's all that's going on in my life at the moment, I'm afraid. Everybody's left halls to study and I'm boarded up in my room studying Derrida's "structurality of structure" for Literary Theory, which is just as pretentious as it sounds. I hope everybody's having a good summer if it's already started!

My main new year's resolution was to only treat myself when I actually deserve it, after doing a day's work or studying especially hard or running errands. This resolution was made because I have become a deeply frivolous person this year. I live my life like it's a vacation, and while this hasn't had negative repercussions yet, I fear some may be coming my way. For one, fun almost seems like a chore now because I have nothing else. Permanent parties and outings create this odd sense of pleasure in the occasional day's work, but it's a hard habit to break.

I do have hobbies though. I organize a game of croquet in the gardens across from my halls every once in a while. I horseback ride in Hyde Park usually a couple of times a month. I do also participate in the King's Model UN team, but the other people in the society are so serious and dedicated that I spend most of the meetings trying to keep a straight face.


I've also been apartment hunting! I'm surprised how many great places there are that I can afford - Ommar has said he will put in 150/pounds a week and I can do about the same if not more, and that equals wood flooring and big windows in Notting Hill! I really can't wait because my application is off to LSE, and Ommar's school has already said he could take a year off to live here. I guess we were both sort of sick of the distance.
I have to wait till March to put a deposit down and all, but there are so many places left and opening up all the time that I'm really not worried.

School this semester is all right as well, lots of Medieval literature but we have some great novels to read for Literary Theory and I'm also taking a class called Philosophy and Religious Thought: The Classic Debate or something like that that's proving to be really engrossing.


Anyway, I did say I wasn't going to use this anymore, but since I don't spend my time studying or working, I have a lot of time for introspection. I tend to wake up early these days and since no one I know is up before noon, I get to spend a lot of the morning in cafes or walking around Trafalgar Square with pastries or whatever. My life is relaxing and actually really beautiful but I sometimes wonder if this is what I want? I think that it is, but who finds contentment at nineteen? I haven't lived a perfect life by any means and I don't think it's fair, even, that I should get everything I want. Obviously I'm not complaining, just really blissfully happy and wondering why.

That's not to say my life is perfect now. I mess up, feel overindulgent constantly, skip classes and avoid work, end up at some bad nights, and had an existential breakdown at the end of the holidays that was so bad I had a panic attack every time I left my bed. There are so many things wrong but at the heart of everything I'm really happy, happier than I've ever been, and I want to make my flaws, a penchant for excess and a frivolity of nature, better.


This entry is really deep and lame or whatever, I'm sure, but going back to the original point, I don't have anywhere else to put these sort of thoughts. So there it is. I guess I'm back to livejournal though it's dead.

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